Here’s where I’m at:
I’m back in that place of spinning and feeling as though I’m getting nothing done.
There’s packing to do for a trip to Haiti. I leave in less than two days and I have more than 2 suitcases worth to take with me, approximately one suitcase at my house, and a heart full of anxiety. Note: I have more than two suitcases of stuff to take to Haiti because people are awesome just show up in tangible ways with medical supplies and chocolate chips and almond butter for missionary friends.
My boyfriend says ‘I thought you’d be more excited to go to Haiti.’ I am so excited. And I’m anxious. And honestly, I’m still bad about telling him about Haiti and what it means to me and what life was like there and how much I miss it and how much my heart still aches thinking about it.
I want to head to Haiti overflowing with the joy of the Lord. I want to show up and love and encourage my friends and give them gifts. I want to be all the things for all the people. And in true Enneagram 1 fashion I just want to be good… and perfect. Low bar, I know. I’m pretty much a huge slacker in life. (eye roll emoji)
I want to write a book and work more PT hours and save money and be a good girlfriend and a good neighbor and a good group exercise instructor and a good friend, daughter, family member. Anyone exhausted yet? My natural reaction to battle anxiety and shame is: perfection. If I’m perfect, I’ll be enough. If I’m perfect, it will protect me from uncomfortable feelings. If I’m perfect, I won’t feel shame.
In this space the wheels on the bus go round and round and the bus stays in the same place, or maybe goes backwards, or maybe the wheels spin and dig a hole in the ground.
How do I get out of this rut?
Be honest with myself, get vulnerable with myself and share it with someone else. What’s really bothering me? What top few concerns are underneath the surface?
Extend grace to myself. Pulling the tug-of-war rope of anxiety only tightens the rope and increases anxiety. Practicing acceptance, grace, kindness, and love for myself is what helps loosen the tightrope of anxiety I find myself fighting against (put the boxing gloves down, Rachel)
Rest, breathe, yoga, call a friend / family member. Wine helps too but with some serious self awareness for why I’m consuming alcohol.
Peace and Love